Better Than You

[spinnersending]

"Better Than You"
Who:  Severus Snape & Remus Lupin
When: 6th Year
Chapter One:  Here


A pass to the Restricted Section was even easier than Severus thought it might be.  Dumbledore gave it to him without even glancing up, saying that he was looking forward to the results.  Severus could only imagine that he meant the Wolfsbane Draught paper he was going to submit, but who knew with the old wizard?  Dumbledore was not a man anyone ever underestimated.

When Remus did not show, Severus noticed and wrote it off.  That brief connection and near friendship had been enough to make him even more bitter about the whole idea of friendship and turned him off on it entirely.  Stupid git.  As if he might have actually found things in common with a creature like that!  Good riddance!

Too bad his breakthrough potion was going to help the mangy sod!  Severus groused as he found the book he was looking for and brought it back to the table.  This was not a potions book at all, but one on the animagi.

Comments

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

He furrowed his eyebrows as he watched the fox ears disappear. "I didn't say that. And we haven't gotten any further today than we did two days ago. Doing the same thing over again isn't progress." His tone was harsh again. Remus wasn't happy at the way this was turning out.

Weren't you supposed to kiss someone and then... do something about it? Instead Remus was more or less confused and he didn't want Severus to leave. He just couldn't admit what this was to himself, yet. And he hated it. His tone of voice and stiff appearance was more than anything himself lashing out on himself. Mentally cursing himself for being himself. It was a cycle he often found himself in.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

Severus watched Remus with the same intensity he usually did. He was trying to pick him apart, to figure out what was going on inside of his mind.

They hadn't made progress? "I thought we had," he said, absolutely no sharpness to his voice. They were discussing two issues and for once, it was not the magical partnership that Severus was most concerned with. While Remus had more to lose by this, Severus had absolutely everything to lose.

Other than his own haughty superiority complex, and a promise for greatness when he left Hogwarts but a blond he'd not done more than owled once or twice a year, Remus was the only person that even tried to get to know him and that could understand his perpetual loneliness.

Andddd you get a novel.

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

Remus dropped the stiffness and looked up at him slowly through his light brown hair. He slowly blinked, feeling bad. "I didn't come here for that. Not that I didn't like it or you, but--" Remus stopped. He didn't know what he was really there for. "I thought we were working on this." He gestures to the the table. "Or at least I do suppose that was an excuse."

He sighed again. "I don't know what you want from me. For someone who wants appraisal that bad, you seem fine with snogging a bloke. What if we get found out?" Finally he was addressing his fears. "What if Sirius came bursting in here? I don't want you to get hurt. And I can't lose you if I've never had you."

He grit his teeth again and looked down. He stared at his hand, wanting to touch Severus again. But could he? What did it mean?

How did they get to this point? Remus closed his eyes for a second, unsure about everything it seemed. They'd somehow went from enemies to friends to more, and he wanted it. In the deepest parts of him he wanted it. And he wasn't afraid to show Severus that part of him. It was something he rarely showed for fear of losing what little he did have. And that's why it made this all the more confusing. Because he had shown Severus. He kissed him and he didn't get attacked. He did something with Snape that he couldn't even do to his best friend who he had feelings for since the third year.

And now he didn't know what to do. The boy who usually had all the answers was now utterly clueless. This was a territory he never thought he'd ever be in. After all, who would want to kiss a werewolf?

"I don't know what you want." He repeated, barely audible.

Poor Remus!

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

Severus crossed thin arms over his chest, schooling his face into the usual look he wore. He let Remus ramble on, deciding only to address certain aspects of his concern. He wasn't the sort of boy to sit down and discuss feelings. He kissed Remus because he liked it. Because he was drawn to it. It had been an experiment, sure, but he had known going in that he wouldn't be rejected for it. Not with the way Remus's hands had been on him.

"Do you want an itemized list, Lupin?" he asked, tilting his head to the side, accent dropping to a most standard posh Londoner's. Hard exterior simply went with crisp voice. Severus's mask did not have layers. It was what it was. He had not learned to manipulate himself and others with it just yet. "Shall I have it notarized by a witch or wizard in good standing?"

Oh, maybe the snark was too much.

Severus sighed, his face shifting.

"We won't get found out," he said, frowning. "I've no intention of standing up at the head table at breakfast tomorrow to tell everyone I just kissed a bloke in the shrieking shack while I was illicitly learning to become an animagus with materials stolen from the Restricted Section!"

He had raised his voice unintentionally, but he was so very lost in all of this. There was a blockage in his chest that told him to run away. What Remus had said was true: 'I can't lose you if I've never had you.'

Severus put a pale hand to his pale forehead and sat back down.

"It bothers you. We'll never mention it again. I'd rather continue our meetings. This way, should that mongrel Black decide to pay a visit with his newest little fancy, he'll only assume I've hexed you into helping me."

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

The way Severus fell back into the posh accent and the words he said stung. Remus knew what he was trying to do, the mask he slipped back on. It just made everything he said that more apparent.

But despite himself, that's not what he wanted. He sighed again. "Sirius already found us once. He also thinks you fancy him. The way you were... staring yesterday. Not that I wasn't guilty of it as well, but it just makes this - whatever this is - dangerous. I can't see you get hurt because of me." Remus said, finding something in himself to be assertive about it.

"And no, I don't want you to not mention the kiss. It happened. I liked it. I'm not going to lie. I just have my own issues, okay. I'm not like you. I can't even be myself around me." Remus bit the inside of his lip and took a step closer to him.

"I like you. It's just a very dangerous game we're playing at." He clenched his teeth. "But that's not saying I don't want to chose you. I just don't know what to do."

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

Severus picked up his quill when Remus was talking, but all he managed to do was pierce the parchment with it. Merlin, this was making him so angry. It was entirely too complicated. "Figure it out and let me know," he said, unable to keep himself from sounding so on edge. Slamming down his quill, he got back up again, notably agitated.

He couldn't just pretend! He couldn't. Remus was maddening. One moment he was absolutely, without a doubt, the happiest he could remember being and the next? Remus was having second thoughts.

"I-I don't understand! I don't know what this is! I don't know what you expect me to do!" He shoved Remus...because it felt good! Because it was still a touch. Because Severus had grown up where the only sensation he'd ever had was usually to be hit.

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

No, this wasn't supposed to happen like this. "I don't know. Be understanding. It's not like you don't know what James and Sirius will do if they find out. What were you expecting? Things are complicated because our whole relationship is complicated." He said.

He most certainly wasn't expecting to be pushed over. It caught him off guard and he fell back against the wall, shaking the building slightly. He deserved it, but it didn't stop the pained look in his eyes as he sank to the floor. He wasn't in pain - it hadn't hurt him that bad, but he didn't know what else to do.

He swallowed hard and looked up at him. Why did he get himself involved at all? It was only causing them both undo pain.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

Severus followed him, dropping down half in his lap, both hands on his shoulders. He had been planning on decking him again because, as much as Severus hated what his father was, he still acted out like him in the most unfortunate of ways. That Boggart was not just telling the future.

However, being close to him again, gazing into his eyes again, the same strange spell that had fallen over him several times now caused Severus just to drop his forehead to Remus's.

"I don't care," he muttered. "Couldn't do worse to me than they already do."

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

"And I hate that. I always have. Everything about it. And I've never done anything to stop it. What kind of person does that? Just lets someone get bullied like that? And I'm a bloody Prefect!" Remus said as looked up and pressed his forehead to the Slytherin's.

He could feel himself opening up again. Remus was fighting so hard not to, but he just felt at ease with Snape. Even when he pushed him against the wall. He understood the pain behind Severus' actions. He saw it in himself.

He bit his lip again. There was so much more to say. He had the words, but they weren't coming up. His demons were still rattling around in his head, all his insecurities, but Severus' touch seemed to dissolve the words before they could get out of his lips. So now he sat there and brought his hands to the other's chest, clutching on to him. It was his turn to be reminded about the reality between the two of them.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

"Doesn't matter," Severus murmured, arms around Remus's neck. Their noses touched. Their lips touched. It was brief and impossibly romantic for a boy that had never seen romance before. Common room antics did not count. Nor did the way he watched his mother pine for his father.

Severus learned as he went. All he knew was that he was content for the first time in his life. He shifted his weight and literally climbed into Remus's lap this time, fingers tugging at his ruffled brown hair.

"Whatever they do...it doesn't matter. All right? Don't think on it."

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

He felt his heart stammer in his chest when he kissed him again. For as incredibly nervous that everything was going to come crashing down on them, he felt as ease again. Like something was finally whole.

He touched Severus' face lightly as they sat on the floor together. He brought an arm around him to hold him, just sitting like that. It was hard to just let it go, let them go. While Remus couldn't give a care what most people thought of him, it meant the world what the people he cared about thought of him.

Remus looked back into his eyes and nodded. "I can't promise that I won't constantly worry about it, but I wouldn't trade this for anything." He said running his thumb over Snape's cheek.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

"That'll be on you," Severus smirked, leaning in against the touch to his cheek. "It's not worth worrying over." He was adamant about that. If they were caught, and it was a bit if, he'd just take memories. It was a terrible thing to do a terrible charm to perform...

He wouldn't hesitate.

It wasn't as if he needed Remus. He told himself that adamantly. But there was something here. Since the werewolf let him kick the shit out of him in the laboratory that day, he couldn't get him out of his mind.

He made a mental note to check up on werewolves and pheromones.

He was much more interested in getting better at snogging.

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

Remus wasn't going to take what he said so lightly. He might not worry about it so much, but Remus did. Even if he managed to keep his own secret about liking Sirius, this would be much harder and he wondered how long it would take for the excuses to run out.

He pressed his chest to him and kissed him lightly again. Remus couldn't help himself. When he liked something, he liked it. His kiss was soft and longing. He let his mouth open up to Severus, taking it wherever it went. He knew the other liked control, and Remus was used to following anyway.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

This was certainly true. Having the ability to decide how and when was important to him. Remus could not get one over on him this way. It was bad to start a relationship of any sort without trust, but Severus simply had no capability for it.

That would come later. If there ever was a later for them.

Tired lips, tired tongue, tired eyes, Severus finally pulled back when his stomach growled. They'd been at it for over three hours, talking softly about classes, or simply gazing at each other between kissing sessions. He was starving.

[hurleralalune.livejournal.com]

"Oh, blimey. I forgot. I grabbed some of today's lunch this morning during Prefect duties. I stopped off in the kitchens and the house elves, well they really like giving people food. It's in my satchel." He said after awhile. Remus was getting awfully hungry, too. Though he was enjoying sitting with Severus, talking, kissing, and whatever else they were doing.

Though he was a bit stiff from sitting on the floor. Remus waited for Severus to get up before he arose, not wanting to throw him off his lap.

[spinnersending.livejournal.com]

http://spinnersending.livejournal.com/900.html?thread=40324#t40324