Better Than You

[spinnersending]

"Better Than You"
Who:  Severus Snape & Remus Lupin
When: 6th Year
Chapter One:  Here


A pass to the Restricted Section was even easier than Severus thought it might be.  Dumbledore gave it to him without even glancing up, saying that he was looking forward to the results.  Severus could only imagine that he meant the Wolfsbane Draught paper he was going to submit, but who knew with the old wizard?  Dumbledore was not a man anyone ever underestimated.

When Remus did not show, Severus noticed and wrote it off.  That brief connection and near friendship had been enough to make him even more bitter about the whole idea of friendship and turned him off on it entirely.  Stupid git.  As if he might have actually found things in common with a creature like that!  Good riddance!

Too bad his breakthrough potion was going to help the mangy sod!  Severus groused as he found the book he was looking for and brought it back to the table.  This was not a potions book at all, but one on the animagi.

Comments

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Severus was convinced that Black and Potter had to have relatively lame animal forms. For Black, he was thinking beaver. Potter? Maybe a hummingbird. He couldn't stop himself from snickering under his breath before Remus's words sank in.

"I read a Patronus tends to be the same as a' animagi form. Foxes are good animals. Bit less batlike..." Severus was rambling on. The conversation between them had progressed at least that far. Truth of the matter was that the Slytherin kept forgetting himself. He was just that comfortable most of the time.

Flicking his quill back and forth, he asked Remus if it was easier to work on specific body parts at a time or not and then tilted his cheek into his palm. "Probably ought to work on the ears again? Or whiskers? Oh! Fangs!"

That excitement in his voice made his eyes glow.

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Remus' face went blank. "Fangs aren't something you deal with lightly." He said coolly. "None of this is."

He looked from Severus back to his book, trying to avoid his eyes again. He was far too excited about this. And while it seemed things came easy to him, Remus at least knew this was a big deal and what was involved.

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A bit of mucking around and Severus was ready to try again. They moved to the floor, as bodily transfigurations had the potential to put the wizard in pain and not having far to fall was better than the comfort of a chair.

Facing Remus, Severus closed his eyes, perfectly white face outlined in dark hair. Ten minutes passed.

Fifteen.

And though he was not sprouting anything fox-like, he did slip his hand into Remus's again.

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He didn't like moving. He didn't much like this place that much, but at least there weren't blood or tufts of fur near the table. Even as he moved an old sofa out off the way to give them room, he saw streaks of blood.

But he stood there with Severus and held his hand. A small smile creeping across his face. He was there with him. That's what mattered.

"Clear your mind. Do whatever you did the other day." He said calmly, trying to help.

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What had he been doing? Severus's lips screwed up lightly. He'd been trying not to be a cow. He'd been trying not to be even more edible to a werewolf. His mind had been racing, like it was now, though the reason had been different then.

Think. You can do it. You're better than Black and Potter and Pettigrew. You'll have nothing to fear from Lupin. You can hide better. Escape whenever you need. His inner peptalks, however, were not doing a damned thing.

Severus's eyes opened, a very bad thing where concentration was involved, especially with Remus so close. The attraction was almost too much for him to bear, far too much to even worry about it.

Right. He was gazing at Remus. He had his hands on his chest, curling in his sweater. They had been close. Closer. Severus swallowed, taking the initiative. He figured he could always hex Lupin if it got carried away.

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Remus stood there, letting Snape invade his personal space. He didn't mind it, truth be told. It meant he was close with Severus again. He gave him a small smile when he realized he was recreating the events of the other day. He stood there, slightly jagged like he was.

"Right, you were frantic about beef, I think. I think you were afraid I was going to eat you or something." He smirked at the term.

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Leave it to Remus to make a boy that never actually wanted to smile do it nearly every time they were together! Severus was a lot closer this time, eyes bright beneath the fringe of lashes he looked up through.

"Ah, that's the key then, yeah? Imagine me'self as a meal and there we are, fox ears!"

An amusing statement to make because it was absolutely true. Remus brought the best out in Severus. He was the only one who seemed to see his potential. And perhaps his simple belief in him amplified his magical prowess.

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"I still stand by the statement that you wouldn't make a good meal. Stringy and all." He smirked at him.

His hands went to Severus's sides. He just did it without thinking. Remus felt his heart nearly stop in his chest. And no, those could not be butterflies in his stomach.

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Through threadbare clothing and thin skin, Severus could feel Remus's heart fluttering around against his palm. His ears perked up, literally, as he leaned forward. He had liked it the other night, forehead to forehead. The closeness was soothing.

If it had been anyone else touching him, Severus would have hexed them three thousand times by now.

Severus almost looked worried when his eyes opened before his forehead smoothed out again. He snorted, softly, his breath curling against Remus's cheek. "This is ridiculous, Lupin. You know it, right?" Pale fingers rested lightly on either side of Remus's neck. Severus felt his pulse against his palm.

It was an awkward first attempt to kiss him. It was inevitable that one of them would do it, and Severus would have rather it be him. It came him a little more control. The only problem was that he'd miscalculated the angle and ended up making a right mess of it.

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Remus leaned into Severus's hand on his grip, tilting his head. He held onto his sides with a tighter grip. His breath hitched in his throat when he felt how very close the two were.

"I don't care." He said breathless.

Somewhere in the pit of his stomach, the Gryffindor mustered the courage to pull him closer. He leaned in and kissed him softly - finally admitting to himself what he was feeling and letting himself indulge just this once. He only hoped he didn't get rejected; he couldn't take the pain.

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Severus approached kissing as he did anything he was unfamiliar with, testing the waters, trial and error, and most importantly, with a lot of thinking, His brooding face was scrunched up as he filed away information to use for later.

Remus's arms and embrace was comforting more than constricting. Severus leaned into him, both to be closer still, and to find a balance for the way he unconsciously pushed himself up on his toes. He was a person that needed control, that needed to be in charge.

Having seen enough people snog in his young life, Severus at least had examples of what to do. Nibbling on Remus's lower lip seemed to have a good reaction. Suddenly sticking his tongue into the other's mouth was not so good.

At least he was not discouraged. If anything, he did his best to figure out kissing as efficiently as possible.

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His hands moved from Severus's sides to his back, wanting him that much closer. He found everything the other was doing cute. Besides this was his first kiss, too. He didn't know what was wrong and what was right. Not that there was a wrong or right. To him doing this at all was right.

Merlin, what would James or Sirius say. Oh sod it all. He was happy. He was happy kissing a bloke. How odd.

Merely having Snape stick his tongue in his mouth was awkward, but Remus tried it. Only it was softer, exploring his mouth with some trepidation. This was new ground for him.

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Sighing through his nose, shakily at best, Severus determined that lighter, in that regard, was better. It was an interesting concept, the various techniques for kissing, and like with anything else, he strove to master it. Remus's arms pulled him closer and Severus pressed himself closed still because of it. They fit together well, Remus's torso a bit longer than Severus's, the dark haired boy with longer legs to make up for it. It made standing as they were so much better...in Severus's opinion at least!

He found that he rather liked the nibbling, that the slide of wet lips against his own was so pleasurable that he felt himself tingle each tongue just the tip of his tongue touched any part of Remus's mouth.

As so often happened with kissing, and especially in already hormonal teenagers, Severus found himself rather blatantly excited. He drew back with ruby red lips, dark wide eyes, and two perfect fox ears lifted straight up in surprise.

Soooo sorry, busiest day ever!

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He cleared his throat when they separated, feeling his own excitement rising. Remus bit his lip and looked up at him sheepishly. As for first kisses, that one was pretty damn good. Then again he had nothing to compare it to. Still he longed for it even moments after it had stopped.

"Bloody hell." He was breathless. But then his face changed from nervous to confused and then ecstatic. "You did it again!"

Remus went to touch his ears again, the soft fox ear. He grinned looking it over. He still had a hand on Severus' side, the kiss half forgotten.

:) No worries! It means I actually get work done myself! Welcome back though!

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About to retort, to that murmured 'bloody hell,' that he could not be expected to be perfect at snogging when he'd never done it before -- and once again causing a fight due to insecurities and miscommunication -- Severus's eyes followed Remus's hand upwards.

"Did wha--" Oh!

The touch to his ear almost made his knees weak and he let his arms hang over Lupin's shoulders to prevent that from occurring. He'd already caused them both to tumble once that week. Surely it was enough to fill the klutzy quota!

Severus pulled back completely to gaze at a shattered, crooked mirror hanging up in the corner. His ears swiveled slightly as he arched an eyebrow.

"I wasn't even tryin'! Is that suppose tah happen? Could be in class, and poof? Fox ears?!"

Thanks~

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Remus might have gotten upset if Severus snapped at him. Because really, that kiss still left his knees weak.

"No, no. The first few times it'll only happen when you're experiencing something emotional - like a Patronus. It still needs a lot of concentration to happen. And considering you were concentrating on it before the-- we... it. Well, it happened." Remus tried to say, getting entirely too flustered at the end. His cheeks reddened again.

Re: Thanks~

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"Snog, Lupin," Severus said, liking to feel superior even when he had no reason to. It simply was ingrained in his very being, that need to correct and to be correct. "It's called snogging."

Severus was all right with what they had done. He hadn't expected to, but Remus and the past week of whirlwind emotions had run the gamut from hatred and violence to something, as Lupin himself put it, emotional.

He didn't want to lose this connection. It was the only one he really had.

Ears twitching, Severus tentatively reached up to touch them. "It's brilliant!" Perhaps that kiss had mellowed him out a bit.

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Putting it like that made his face crinkle. "I know what it was." Remus said as he dropped his hands and pushed them in his pockets. It wasn't that he was ashamed of it, but it was unsettling. And Remus knew that the closer it got to the full moon, the worse it was going to become.

"Yeah, it's pretty amazing." He said, looking away. He was proud of Severus, he really was. But he suddenly had a bad taste in his mouth.

He knew he could be fairly moody, but unfortunately, a lot of what other people did affected him. He only ever wanted to be liked, he wanted to be wanted and Severus was giving him that - in his own way. But he knew that snogging a bloke would only get him ridiculed. Remus didn't want to lose the friends he had or lose any potential friends.

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Severus was not a mind reader and he was inept at being able to figure people out. Remus's sudden meloncholy, therefore, did not affect Severus in the slightest. He turned towards the werewolf, however, and noted the slowly forming frown.

There could only be two things that caused that frown. Either Remus was jealous -- which he doubted -- or he was having second thoughts about their kiss.

The fox ears dissolved at once as Severus's mind drifted towards worry. His fingers itched, but he did not persue Remus or try to touch him. He was a needy boy, but he refused to let anyone beat him or have it over on him.

"Looks like you'd rather go an' watch Quidditch," he commented. "Are we done today then?"

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He furrowed his eyebrows as he watched the fox ears disappear. "I didn't say that. And we haven't gotten any further today than we did two days ago. Doing the same thing over again isn't progress." His tone was harsh again. Remus wasn't happy at the way this was turning out.

Weren't you supposed to kiss someone and then... do something about it? Instead Remus was more or less confused and he didn't want Severus to leave. He just couldn't admit what this was to himself, yet. And he hated it. His tone of voice and stiff appearance was more than anything himself lashing out on himself. Mentally cursing himself for being himself. It was a cycle he often found himself in.

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Severus watched Remus with the same intensity he usually did. He was trying to pick him apart, to figure out what was going on inside of his mind.

They hadn't made progress? "I thought we had," he said, absolutely no sharpness to his voice. They were discussing two issues and for once, it was not the magical partnership that Severus was most concerned with. While Remus had more to lose by this, Severus had absolutely everything to lose.

Other than his own haughty superiority complex, and a promise for greatness when he left Hogwarts but a blond he'd not done more than owled once or twice a year, Remus was the only person that even tried to get to know him and that could understand his perpetual loneliness.

Andddd you get a novel.

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Remus dropped the stiffness and looked up at him slowly through his light brown hair. He slowly blinked, feeling bad. "I didn't come here for that. Not that I didn't like it or you, but--" Remus stopped. He didn't know what he was really there for. "I thought we were working on this." He gestures to the the table. "Or at least I do suppose that was an excuse."

He sighed again. "I don't know what you want from me. For someone who wants appraisal that bad, you seem fine with snogging a bloke. What if we get found out?" Finally he was addressing his fears. "What if Sirius came bursting in here? I don't want you to get hurt. And I can't lose you if I've never had you."

He grit his teeth again and looked down. He stared at his hand, wanting to touch Severus again. But could he? What did it mean?

How did they get to this point? Remus closed his eyes for a second, unsure about everything it seemed. They'd somehow went from enemies to friends to more, and he wanted it. In the deepest parts of him he wanted it. And he wasn't afraid to show Severus that part of him. It was something he rarely showed for fear of losing what little he did have. And that's why it made this all the more confusing. Because he had shown Severus. He kissed him and he didn't get attacked. He did something with Snape that he couldn't even do to his best friend who he had feelings for since the third year.

And now he didn't know what to do. The boy who usually had all the answers was now utterly clueless. This was a territory he never thought he'd ever be in. After all, who would want to kiss a werewolf?

"I don't know what you want." He repeated, barely audible.

Poor Remus!

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Severus crossed thin arms over his chest, schooling his face into the usual look he wore. He let Remus ramble on, deciding only to address certain aspects of his concern. He wasn't the sort of boy to sit down and discuss feelings. He kissed Remus because he liked it. Because he was drawn to it. It had been an experiment, sure, but he had known going in that he wouldn't be rejected for it. Not with the way Remus's hands had been on him.

"Do you want an itemized list, Lupin?" he asked, tilting his head to the side, accent dropping to a most standard posh Londoner's. Hard exterior simply went with crisp voice. Severus's mask did not have layers. It was what it was. He had not learned to manipulate himself and others with it just yet. "Shall I have it notarized by a witch or wizard in good standing?"

Oh, maybe the snark was too much.

Severus sighed, his face shifting.

"We won't get found out," he said, frowning. "I've no intention of standing up at the head table at breakfast tomorrow to tell everyone I just kissed a bloke in the shrieking shack while I was illicitly learning to become an animagus with materials stolen from the Restricted Section!"

He had raised his voice unintentionally, but he was so very lost in all of this. There was a blockage in his chest that told him to run away. What Remus had said was true: 'I can't lose you if I've never had you.'

Severus put a pale hand to his pale forehead and sat back down.

"It bothers you. We'll never mention it again. I'd rather continue our meetings. This way, should that mongrel Black decide to pay a visit with his newest little fancy, he'll only assume I've hexed you into helping me."

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The way Severus fell back into the posh accent and the words he said stung. Remus knew what he was trying to do, the mask he slipped back on. It just made everything he said that more apparent.

But despite himself, that's not what he wanted. He sighed again. "Sirius already found us once. He also thinks you fancy him. The way you were... staring yesterday. Not that I wasn't guilty of it as well, but it just makes this - whatever this is - dangerous. I can't see you get hurt because of me." Remus said, finding something in himself to be assertive about it.

"And no, I don't want you to not mention the kiss. It happened. I liked it. I'm not going to lie. I just have my own issues, okay. I'm not like you. I can't even be myself around me." Remus bit the inside of his lip and took a step closer to him.

"I like you. It's just a very dangerous game we're playing at." He clenched his teeth. "But that's not saying I don't want to chose you. I just don't know what to do."

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Severus picked up his quill when Remus was talking, but all he managed to do was pierce the parchment with it. Merlin, this was making him so angry. It was entirely too complicated. "Figure it out and let me know," he said, unable to keep himself from sounding so on edge. Slamming down his quill, he got back up again, notably agitated.

He couldn't just pretend! He couldn't. Remus was maddening. One moment he was absolutely, without a doubt, the happiest he could remember being and the next? Remus was having second thoughts.

"I-I don't understand! I don't know what this is! I don't know what you expect me to do!" He shoved Remus...because it felt good! Because it was still a touch. Because Severus had grown up where the only sensation he'd ever had was usually to be hit.